PROGRESS OF MY FAST

On Day 4, my muscles ached. On Day 5, I couldn't walk as far as I usually do. On Day 6, I hoped I'd feel terrible pain so I'd have an excuse to end the fast. On Day 7, I was energetic and bubbling over with affection. I made dinner and a cake that said "Jesus loves vermin." (That's my pet name for my kids.) When I told the kids to eat as much cake as they wanted, (which is a first), my daughters each looked at me funny and asked what was wrong with me. Good ol', 6'4" Benny just seized the opportunity and horsed-down. I was able to sit contentedly at the dining table, sipping my vege broth, while they downed an elaborate Italian dinner. (major accomplishment!)

On Day 8, I helped drama-coach the kids at the school across the street and had as much gusto as usual. I love these darling 1-6 graders, and by their smiles today, I think they know it. My 7th grader, Hannah, came home and told me she has announced to her friends that I have gone crazy, per the cake incident.

Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING my body would rather do for the past 8 days than to stuff down nearly any edible. I am finally beginning to understand (experientially), why African kids will eat old corn cobs, (devoid of all corn), just to fill their hungry bellies. However, I am clearly not that desperate, as I realized that I would still refuse liver, tongue, beets, and all colors of boiled squash!

IF YOU FEEL JUDGED BY ME-(Please read this.)

I do not claim to be "holier than thou." In fact, when I "point a finger" at you, there are always three pointing back at me. I openly confess the depth of my sin, (as I know it). I pray now for transparency of heart and death to my pride.

I was a rebellious child who showed utter contempt for my parents, and at times, for my teachers or other authorities.

I was also an insensitive child who took pleasure and pride in embarrassing others.

I have been self-righteous, acutely aware of the sin of others, but oblivious to my own, which have sometimes been greater.

I have gone my own way, devised a plan for my life, and then schemed and manipulated to make it happen.

For a number of years, I lived a life of immorality, consumed by spiritual confusion, but somehow foolishly believing I was actually bringing honor to God.

I have stretched the truth, rendering it a lie.

I have judged others without taking even one step in their shoes.

I have initiated court proceedings, arguments, and criticisms without even bringing the issue before God.

On a daily basis, I spend money on items that are not necessary for my survival, or that of my family, while knowing that 28,000 children will die today from poverty.

I am a glutton by my very nature, using food for comfort and avoidance, entertainment and frivolity, over-eating in anger, pain, fear, emptiness, loneliness, pleasure, and habit.

I have been an irritable, controlling wife. I have not been faithful to the specifics of my marriage vows, such as the vow to respect and submit to my spouse.

I have raised my children primarily on the wisdom of man, leaning upon my own insight, training, and cleverness--rather than on the promises of God. I have been harsh with my children at times, irritable, and ignorant of their needs. I have expected more from them perhaps than they could give.

I have feared the rejection of my kids more than the rejection of God.

CONFESSION/Preparing to Fast

If you've read my earlier blogs, you already know I am an irritable, gluttonous thief. Let's not stop at that! I openly confess that in the course of my life, I have broken every one of God's commandments. I may not have literally murdered or adulterated, but I surely did so in my heart, which to God is sin nonetheless. I want to be explicitly clear that I am no theologian or spiritual expert. I don't claim to be holy, saintly, or pious. I am just like the rest of you sinners out there, (which is why I have argued with God about calling me to do certain things.) He calls some to preach, others to teach, some to heal, and others like me to challenge and encourage His followers to run from lukewarm Churchianity, and straight to into the out-stretched arms of the crucified Christ. To follow him, we must take up the cross he gives us, and follow His example. This is so rarely preached from the American pulpit that we've been led to believe that it is not necessary! Jesus said it is.

In fact, he calls us to surrender and entrust everything and everyone we cherish to Him and Him alone. It has been over 2 months since I wrote here because I've been spending my energy trying (and failing) to surrender to God my food intake. I realize that to most, the topic of fasting is boring at best, unthinkable at worst. But the deeper issue isn't really "abstaining from food," but individual obedience to God. Most Americans wouldn't think to list "daily food" as something they cherish: but after a few days without it, funny how that changes. God has told ME (perhaps none of you), to practice fasting, as if for a marathon. I was doing it fairly well in Dec., but then the holidays hit me hard, and I resumed my usual gluttonous tendencies. Within a few days, my stomach was stretched back into a chubby bubble that cried out to be filled every day. (But an even greater outcry came from my taste-buds that felt "oh so deprived.") Try though I may, I simply could not fast for even one day!

The proximity to food was my greatest temptation. I'd cook my kids dinner, but sample it along the way. Later my husband would sit next to me on the sofa snacking on popcorn. I'd serve at a dinner for the homeless, then drool over their leftovers! My kids morphed into domestics, baking oatmeal cookies and homemade pretzels, the aroma of which filled our home. My son got unusually generous with food, offering me half of his "El Gordo" burrito. My sister brought us gobs of enticing delicacies. Every office I visited offered a bowl of candy, and every supermarket, food samples. I started thinking God just picked the wrong woman for this assignment. Wouldn't this be easier to do in Africa, where there is not this abundance of food? After all of my rationals of disobedience, I wondered how I had been even remotely successful before the holidays.

Then I remembered the glow of God's joy that had fallen upon me as I had held firm to the fast before the holidays. I weighed that bliss against the fleeting pleasure of foods on my tongue, (often followed by a bellyache)-- and came to what I hope is a final decision to discipline myself in this endeavor. Immediately, scripture chided me for thinking I could really do anything truly good by my own strength. I confessed my foolish pride and asked God again to bring strength to my weakness and faith to my doubt.

That was 3 days ago. Now my fasting is with a much greater expectation (hope) that after a few days of discomfort, God's Spirit will again fill me with such a joy that my mind will be occupied with the Lord, not the hunger. On day 1, I thought of food all day long. On day 2, I had a migraine all day long. But this is the third day, and while I feel tired, the joy of the Lord is beginning to rise in my heart. I got "bad news" from a family court decision, but I am believing that God will do His will through it, not only in spite of it. I am better prepared for the culinary temptations, since I am focused on the spiritual prize. Further, these temptations are essential if I am to have any minute inkling of what is suffered daily by African mothers, for example, who prepare food for their children, but may go hungry themselves. Of course, their hunger is perpetual, whereas, mine is short-term and chosen...unworthy of comparison.

DON’T READ THIS (if you love food more than God.)

Fasting from food is mentioned in scripture 70 times. It appears that God expected it to be a normal aspect of our Christian lives, but I don’t personally know of any person who voluntarily practices it regularly. On the other hand, I could fill several churches with those I know who practice gluttony on a daily basis. I must admit I am one of them. Especially in the light of world hunger, when I eat significantly more than my body needs, it strikes me as gluttonous.

Biblical fasts can last just a few hours, and sometimes only luxury foods (such as wine and meat) are relinquished. But Jesus, Moses, and Elijah each went 40 days without food. Prayer always accompanies a spirit-led fast, and often it is a prayer of repentance or grief. Many years ago, when I began to silently wait on the Lord with an open heart, He placed in me an enormously deep grief for the pain of suffering Third World children as well as repentance for the carnal “Churchianity” so often practiced in the U.S., by both myself and others. These are the primary spiritual burdens I have carried to God through intercessory prayer ever sense. However, for decades, I very rarely fasted. This was in spite of the fact that I knew that fasting can intensify our prayers, and is sometimes required for difficult things.

Food has always been a dear comfort and companion to me. At times, it seems the only pleasure I have left in the world. Three years ago, God asked of me some very hard personal things. One was to practice fasting, as though I were in training for a marathon. I am still rather a novice, but I no longer shudder at the mere thought of going hungry for a few days. I have found what works for me, and what works against me when fasting. We are admonished to fast in secret, so it does not become an issue of pride in us. However, as it seems to be the one Christian discipline rarely, if ever, mentioned from the pulpit, I believe God wants it to be a topic of discussion and de-mystification. I will describe my experience with fasting, in order to encourage others, unless it becomes a personal issue of pride.

I had become fairly disciplined in fasting until my recent Christmas gluttony, and have found it difficult to begin fasting again. (If the truth be known, I haven't even been able to go one day without seriously over-eating (to the point of greater physical pain than I've ever experienced through fasting!) Certainly, this is true gluttony. I am not content to carry on in this shameful manner, and I will share my attempts to avoid it, so you might know what you may expect, should you decide to explore fasting/and or a non-gluttonous lifestyle yourself. WARNING: It will be extremely boring to others! (Oh yeah—OK it with your Doctor first and all that stuff.)

I have discovered it helpful to allow myself sugar free, non-nutritious liquids and breath mints. During the first three nights of my current fasting attempt, my dreams centered on eating and I caved each evening by eating a bowl of soup or wheat bran. Each time, that one bowl made me hungrier than if I hadn’t eaten, so I desperately added a second bowl. The resulting relative comfort of my stomach and arousal of my taste buds ignited my passion for something sweet. I figured I'd already “blown” the day, so I proceeded toward my “chocolate drawer,” where I grazed until I could pull myself away.

On the fourth day, (Jan. 1,)—I dedicated myself to a more serious fast, especially since I had not even felt true pangs of hunger yet. It became challenging when I visited a Bible study Home-group. The first half hour was devoted to food consumption. We were offered Rice Krispie treats, granola bars, home baked cookies, and apple pie. When the host said, “Oh, we forgot to bring out the fruit and vege tray we made,” the crowd replied “Don’t bother with that healthy stuff!” The only way I could resist that evening was to sneak a small plate of goodies into my purse, like a doggie bag. It still remains in my freezer, to be greedily consumed at the completion of this current fast.

I did avoid all solid food for 3 days, but last night, I ventured into the kitchen for an innocent cup of tea and noticed a huge platter of fresh baked cookies! Almost before I could think, I had chomped down 2 cookies. Man, they were wonderful, (even though they didn’t even have a chocolate kiss on top.) Feeling then sorely deprived of that kiss of chocolate; I returned to my "chocolate drawer" to complete the taste my buds craved. However, this time, I took only a couple bites. Again, this small “transgression” seemed to open up my true hunger zone, and I felt I needed a bowl of soup to stave off the discomforting emptiness of my gut. However, this time, I forced myself to stop after consuming just one small bowl.

Today, I have thus far avoided solid food. I hear my stomach growling, and I must remain busy, or the thoughts of food will consume me. I am blessed with a supportive husband who now prepares the kids’ food, (thus releasing me from the temptation.) Much preparation is required for a successful fast in the U.S. With our national abundance of food, and socializing centered upon it, it is not “safe” to go anywhere. This is especially true in church, as I have never seen a church devote ½ as much time to prayer as it did to “fellowship” (AKA: eating, with an occasional conversation attached.)

It is the evening of my 5th “serious” day of fasting, and finally I am feeling actual hunger pain. I wonder how many Americans have ever felt this gnawing discomfort, and how many Africans have not.

GOD BLESSES THE HUMBLE

Today in my Sunday School class, we were asked to share our New Years Resolutions. I shared my New Years Prayer that I would not lie in 2010, and explained why that prayer came into being. Well, mine was deemed the “best story,”and I was awarded the $20 prize—the same amount I had returned to the store just a couple of days ago. I just have to chuckle at the Lord’s kind and gentle chastening.

NEW YEARS EVE

As the New Year is beginning, I am thrilled that I heeded the nudging of God to make amends to Petco. When I told my husband what God had asked, he felt sorry for my pending humiliation. Yet as I neared the store, my anticipation peaked, as though this might be one of the year’s best moments. A different store manager was on duty, so I explained the situation, asked and received his glad forgiveness, and handed him the store credit. He, in turn expressed great appreciation for my honesty and gave me back the store credit. I explained I could not possibly keep it in good conscience, so he suggested it go to the animal rescue group that works from the store on weekends. I thought that was a perfect solution, so we left each other all smiles, ready to welcome the New Year with more goodwill than either of us had expected. The manager’s gracious forgiveness, together with the supreme joy of obeying God sent me into 2010 with a prayer that I would never dishonor my Lord with lies again.

GETTING CLEAN BEFORE GOD

I awoke today from a dream wherein I was attempting to cast out a demon from a possessed man. Others helped for a moment, but quickly gave up. A woman said, "What difference does it make? The world will end in half an hour and we will all be dead anyway.”

I realized that this was the same rationale of the rest of the crowd, so no one was going to help me try to do the work of the Lord. I awoke feeling sad and unsettled.

As I lay there groggily, it dawned on me that I had diminished (if any) authority to cast out a demon anyway, as I had compromised my relationship with God the day before by lying to complete a return at Petco. I had already confessed my gluttony and begun a fast to regain the momentum I had before the Christmas feasting; I had apologized to my husband for my outburst towards him, and prayed with him for a more gentle spirit. However, I had not dealt fully with my lying at the pet shop. I had moped around and felt bad about it. I had confessed it to my husband and to God. I had implored God for forgiveness. But my heart was not open to making whatever amends God might ask of me.

I have discovered that the Lord very often does not speak until the asker has a willingness to obey whatever he might instruct. I believe this is exactly why so many people think that God does not communicate directly with them. He has tried countless times…perhaps through a song, a subtle feeling, a direct scripture passage, a dream, the admonition of a wiser person, or merely through the conscience that the Lord put inside every heart. But in my experience, our ears are often only as open as our surrendered heart.

My sweet husband had offered to return the store credit that had been awarded to me through my trickery, so as to save me from the humiliation. But I had not yet heard God’s direction for me. I surrendered myself again to God’s will, vowing to do whatever he asked of me regarding the cat toy return. I meant it, and He knew it. I confessed to my 12 year old and explained that I might be asked to go confess to the store manager. She sweetly replied, “Mom, if God wants you to do it, I know you can.” I found that the sweetest encouragement!

As I opened my devotional book, an entry on “Compromise” came immediately to my attention. Half way through the page, my tears was falling and I could hardly stand to wait until I got back to Petco and come clean. I hoped it would not be the same manager on duty—but now as I write this, I am beginning to hope that it is the same one. The more humbling this experience, the more motivated I will be to avoid this sin in the future. Anyway, perhaps God is speaking to that very store manager about her own life—perhaps He will use my confession for her good as well as my own.

God does not always ask every person to make such an embarrassing “public” contrition. But again, perhaps He would, if we were willing to obey. All I know is that I refuse to grant Satan the joy of seeing me enter the New Year with unconfessed sin in my heart. I have no reason to begin a new year if it is not begun as a Child of God.